just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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