Is it because I queefed?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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