When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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