Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
