I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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