it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
My liver is preforming stress tests.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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