Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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