this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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