On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
