weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
