eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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