Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
