as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
