birth control should be required to get into college
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
