my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
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After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
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And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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