My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
