Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
