she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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