I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
