hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
