the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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