he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Randomize
