before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
