she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
