I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
