Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
how can u be prego again
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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