not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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