Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
