I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i was born a porn star she said
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
