i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
