and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
