i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
