Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
