I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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