guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
