Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
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