love how google fills in search terms for you, today for example, i ran a query for "why do girls get t"
and google finished it w/ "ramp stamps."
I felt less weird knowing others had searched this before me.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
