You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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