Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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