i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I want to be your penis for a week.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
