Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
