low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
