Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
