I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
