It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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