I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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