I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
