you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
