we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
