True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
