Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
