I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
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