I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
