nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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