I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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